Tuesday, May 24, 2011

MLS Futbolito pictures, video and full story.

This past Saturday marked the return of MLS Futbolito to South Florida. This year the Miami Ultras signed up to play in the tournament for the first time. Uncle Ed, your humble bloggererer was signed on as the Coach. Here are my notes and comments of my debut as coach.

1.- The coach was the last to show up. Incredible, considering I live only a few minutes away from Kendall Soccer Park. I could tell the players were annoyed. From the first moment I realized we had no chemistry. This was going to be ugly!

The Players:

Kyle "Train wreck" Kaly Position: Goalkeeper, even though we were not supposed to have a goalkeeper. He cost us a penalty for crossing the line! Voted Ballsiest player on the team (Read on, you'll find out why).
Pros: none
Cons: Drinks, smokes, smoked more, burps... you get the picture.

The Reese's pieces bros:
Derek "Peanut" Reese and Zach "Chocolate" Reese
Position: Right or left wingers. Can't tell which is which, so I just say "Reese!" They both answer... I say "Take a wing". (They think I'm talking about chicken wings).
Pros: Both fast as lightning
Cons: Can't tell which is which. One is better than the other but I can't tell which one.

David "The Judge" Ito
Position: Sweeper
The "Judge" laid down the law, immediately establishing his dominance and authority over all.
Pros: Tall... that's about it. If only he had his gavel (the little hammer judges use for you laymen folk).
Cons: Can't score if his life depended on it!

Jorge "The 561" Marquez
Position: Wide Receiver
The "Cinco Seis Uno" looked as if he was on vacation out there, he made Palm Beach county proud.
Pros: Played great for about 1 minute. A good sleeper.
Cons: Played 1 minute and was tired.

Mr. Colombia Alan 'G'
Position: Outfielder and Shortstop
Highest scorer on the team, started off slow but soon picked up momentum.
Pros: Did whatever he wanted.
Cons: Did whatever he wanted.

Mr. Mitch "Ultra Cool" Rivera
Position: Full back
He was our benefactor, organizer and main Futbolito nut.
Pros: A good leader. 
Cons: Can't play for crap!

Uncle Ed
Position: Coach
First time coach. Did what he could with a rag tag team of imbeciles!
Pros: Had a great assistant
Cons: Didn't know what the hell he was doing!

Burrito Position: Assistant coach
Burrito didn't want to leave his dog house. Considered 10 am too early to get up. Was a no show and missed every game.
Pros: A great Blogging Dog
Cons: Likes to chew on things and hump them.

2.-No practice does not make perfect. We never got together for even a second of practice and it showed. I asked the players to do a couple of warm ups. They all ignored me. Alan "G" decided to run laps on his own and almost missed the kick off. Not good, not good.

3.- Game #1 Miami Ultras vs Soccer Locker
I figured any team with the word Soccer in it is not good. Ultras Starting line up had "561" at Forward, The Reese's Pieces Chocolate and Peanut at Mid and Mr. Colombia at D.
The logic behind the formation? None. I figured they were the youngest of the bunch or most in shape.
Result: Disaster. 10-0 in favor of Soccer Locker. The enemy was clearly a well seasoned team. They triangulated us to death and made us look like fools. Even the ref was cracking jokes. We had maybe 3 shots all off target in game #1.

4.- The men gathered under Tent "Ultras" for a much needed rest. They hydrated, ate donuts (Sent to us by our fellow Ultra and connoisseur Justin "Jellyfish" Yarborough) and smoked cigarettes. To pass the time. Quality players these... True athletes!

5.- MLS player Omar Salgado of the Vancouver Whitecaps came by the tent "Ultras" to say hola. We took pictures with him and even offered him a donut, which he declined. We almost convinced him to play on the Ultras team for our next game but evil MLS people were around and said he couldn't. We tried to bribe them but they didn't want our money. Apparently it wasn't enough.
6.- Game #2 Miami Ultras vs The Has Beens
When I heard the name I knew we had a chance! One of their players was in his 50's so things were looking good! This Time Uncle Ed had learned his mistake and shuffled the players around. At Forward it was "561" Mid had Mr. Colombia and Zach "Chocolate" Reese with "Judge" Ito providing rear coverage. The results were almost immediate. But sadly our troops faltered in the end once again falling, this time to the "Has beens" 7-5. A late heroic save by "Train wreck" will almost certainly mean he will never procreate as he blocked a sure goal with his manhood. Ballsiest play of the tournament! (Pun totally intended)

7.- The players retreated back under the tent for one last rest before the final game. The standings were even though and we had a remote chance of advancing if we could pull off a win. Our men were determined to make the playoffs, we would not be denied!
8.- Game #3 Miami Ultras vs ????
The coach took charge one last time. The team was ready and as we took the pitch I had no doubt we would come out victorious! And we did just that! We won the game 3-0! It was a convincing win. There was no doubt we had this one in the bag from the very first minute! Yes! We won! Due to default, since the other team didn't show...  We were awarded the 3-0 win.
9.- We decided to play a scrimmage amongst ourselves. The coach came out of retirement and played to show off a few moves here and there. Later inquires on game results determined we almost made the final! The second place team had only won 1 game and beat us only by gol differential. 
10.- Next year the Ultras will destroy the opposition. Uncle Ed will come out of retirement and Burrito will be the first canine coach of MLS Futbolito!
Check out the video of the games. Shout out to Jane "Poopsykins" Shpiner who filmed it:

  Be sure to listen to Miami Ultras Alive #7 for more information about MLS Futbolito, the Strikers, MagicJack and to listen to guests the Bourough Boys who discussed the Cosmos, MLS and the NASL.

Ultras Interview Omar Salgado of the Vancouver Whitecaps. He wants to come and play in Miami and also laughs at the Ultras performance in MLS Futbolito (Thanks to Alan for the clip).

Here is a video of Omar Salgado on Republica Deportiva (In Spanish) with Fernando Fiore.


Antique said...

As ever, good stuff, Ed. Great reporting on the Ultra's "team" & their dismal showing.

A very interesting broadcast on Ultras Alive. Maybe someday many, if not most, of the old NASL teams can renew their rivalries in MLS. That would be fantastic.

Uncle Ed said...

Thanks Antique! We try. Next year the Ultras will take the gold!

Anonymous said...

Great Blog! Fun content.

yevgeniya said...

Uncle Ed, you made my day...great coaching job but we can blame it on your assistant burrito

Burrito said...

Que? Burrito need beautys sleeps. next years Burrito be coach and show Uncle Ed how dones. We gonna make everyone Burrito's bitches!

pay per head said...

wow very lovely picture, a rather nice story and the video I have not watched it, but I bet it is good, I will watch it now :D